i.
it’s happy hour
friday night
time for small talk
i lace up combat boots
zip my slight self
into a lycra
knockoff
doesn’t matter which one
as long as i shimmer
ii.
later
in the back
of everyone-knows-
my-name bar
my dress
seams screaming
black buttons
between breastbones
burst blacker wish
they were less
breakable
sees you
iii.
on cue
i join you
grab a shoulder
the one not offered
espy erasers
on ends of chopsticks
eating sushi
words spill
from cheap plastic cups
splintering between us
forgetting
we are no longer
we
i ask
if erasing me
was as easy
as swallowing the shrimp roll
no one erased you—
we stopped writing you
in ink
couldn’t be certain
who was going to show up
sad mandy
manic mandy
as if i had any more choice
than sunset has a choice
not to slam the door
on daylight
iv.
i wait for you to digest
mix saltwater
in my martini
so i can wash down
voyeuristic views
knowing more than my shrink
your eyes jump
across the teetering cocktail table
pluck paper
from some soggy fortune cookie dripping
mayo clinic wisdom,
stop existing like this
stop gratifying sadness . . .
v.
i never learned how to do depression
so how can i undo depression
funny thing depression
it distorts
more than thinking
it distorts
the way the sun turns corners
causes cumulus clouds
to dump snow
makes microclimates of minds
yours became winter
and froze me out
mine is spring waiting
for a great thaw
you tell me i’m not right
don’t take snow personally
so i run around naked
in minus ten-degree weather
thank God
for the weatherman
who validates me
and says
bring in the plants
or they will die
an icy death
vi.
i’ve taught myself
to unfold friendships
written in indelible ink
to unsolder tiffany hearts
from my wrist
but i do not know how to calm
yesterday’s oceans of emotions
into glassy ponds of
i
am
ok
because i am not
and pretending i am
so you can be
is even more than not ok
vii.
friday night
home from nobody-knows-my-name bar
i unlace my combat boots
lycra and i
unzip
glue the broken black buttons
stand naked
in front of the mirror
refuse to hide
in the back of my closet
